Green Grass

Good news indeed for Heskey's love child, Andy Carroll. 

I'm well bevvied. Which way to the pitch, laaa?

The lucky lad has interested West Ham and I could not think of a better club to play for. With such straight-up people like Sullivan, Gold, (have you seen the tits on) Brady and Big Sam at the reins...why, what more could you want? As far from a corrupt, money-hungry, deluded group as you could ever wish to get. And as a fellow, non-corrupt, non-greedy, friend of the animals, Carroll should fit straight in. And the fact he is a striker that doesn't do exactly what he says on the tin fits in perfectly with the West 'Am motto. West Ham: We Aren't Ronseal. Partnership made in heaven. 

Damn Straight. I am Ron Seal and don't forget it.

It's been looking likely that Carroll would be loaned out since the arrival of Rodgers, who doesn't appear to be a fan. When he was 5 years old, he was involved in a tragic donkey accident on Blackpool Pleasure Beach. You all know donkeys vary dramatically according to their difficulty levels and Rodgers was put on adrenaline junkie, Whizz. Whizz wasn't even meant to be anywhere near children after recently being put on an undisclosed register so poor Brendan didn't stand a chance and now he can't look a gift-donkey in the mouth. He was rumoured to have told A.C, 'Eeeeyore out, lad! Don't Assk me again. Mule be looking for another job,' Before feeding him a carrot and giving him a hefty slap on the rump. Apparently Brendan doesn't approve of drunken donkeys galloping around Anfield and messing up the turf. Shocker.